Day 80: I Live Where You Vacation (or 7 Ways to Live the Cali Life)

There is no sex in the champagne room.
— Chris Rock
Goin’ back to Cali, strictly for the weather, women and the weed. Sticky green.
— Christoper Wallace, aka The Notorious B.I.G.
Hey! You clown! Would it kill ya’ to put a shirt on!?
— Mark "Mudcat" Grant

As the calendar turns another page, on to month numero 7, July, and the weather finally starts to clear up in Southern California, I must pause and reflect on how thankful I am to live in San Diego.

You see...

I live where you vacation.

So over the next few weeks, as you travel here to beautiful California to take advantage of the women, weather and the weed -- sticky green, just respect the lifestyle. Got it?

In other words...


Feed our homeless. We have enough issues with them as it is, please do not entice them.

Feed (or even acknowledge) the meth/crack addicts. Trust me, it's for your own protection.

Bring your "Natty Ice" or your Keystone Light to our beaches. For God's sake, at least bring a craft beer. And preferably one from a West Coast brewer, like Stone. And would it kill you to be a bit less obvious? You can and will get busted.

Expect sex. Remember, there is no sex in the champagne room. 

Go to our strip clubs. They all suck. Unless you're talking about Tijuana or San Francisco. Then, that's different.

Get sunburnt-red to a crisp to the point where you're dehydrated and need to be hospitalized. Trust me, I've seen it. (That's where those Natty Ices go wrong, boys).

Wear pants. Unless you're a guy. Then, do wear pants. Or at least board shorts. No speedos, Tim Ferriss. Ladies, yoga pants are ok. No other pants allowed. #nopants

Drive like a dick.

Park like a dick.

Be a dick in any way, shape, or form. 

Be a douche. You know or you are. Or maybe you don't and that's the problem.

Ever say "Hella Cali." Or Hella-anything. Please. Hella, please.


Be cool to the locals. Address us as sir, madame, or better yet, offer to buy us an ice cold coffee or craft beer. Then, we'll tell you where the real West Coast spots are. :-)

Work as little as possible. 

Attempt to surf. Or parasail, jet-pack, stand up paddleboard, stand up yoga on a paddleboard, or anything that get's you in the Pacific Ocean. It's majestic.

It's also freezing. Always. Deal with it. We keep it that way or else everybody would live here.

Take in a baseball game. Whether it's Petco Park in San Diego, AT&T Park in San Francisco, Dodger Stadium in LA or Angel Stadium in Anaheim, make sure you check out the boys of summer and our national pastime. You may notice I left out Coliseum in Oakland. That's because nobody should ever go to Coliseum in Oakland. Ever.

Absolutely nothing and love every second of it.

Hit up the dirt cheap, Mexican food places. No, I'm not going to give you some stupid Thrillist list of the best SoCal Mexican Food Taco Shops. They are all amazing. Just go.

Grill on the beach. And for the complete San Diego experience, marinade your meats with some Stone IPA Barbecue Sauce. The only thing better is Phil's BBQ, which is another must visit.

Exercise. If you are going to wear nothing (see no pants required above), then you best be looking good. And for the sake of sweet baby Jesus, guys, when you're working out or running, would it kill you to put a shirt on? You know, Nike does make dri-fit. There's zero excuse. In fact, as one of my favorite people in San Diego, Mark "Mudcat" Grant yells from his car with the window down, "Hey! You clown! Would it kill ya to put a shirt on!?" 

(In all seriousness, Mudcat Grant is awesome and has a project called "Some Kinda' Nice", which highlights people who do amazing things.)

Most of all, have fun and be safe. And if you've got that summertime, summertime sadness, well, then I suggest you start your trip now. I'll have a few Sculpin IPA's for you in a bathtub full of ice when you get here.

Snack on a couple of these Draft Beer flavored JellyBeans well on your trip. Because, why not?